In my crowded mind

Preclude: Shantaram has really got me thinking about love, faith, fate, and what we're doing in this life that we've been given.

I think too much. If you think I do a lot of talking, you should hear my internal commentary. Ever since I can remember, I've had a running commentary going on inside my head. I'm not crazy...my mommy says I'm special ;) Anyway, I guess the following rant is what I can remember of the last string of thoughts I had while riding in a rickshaw with Katie back from Connaught Place.

Fate and Faith are opposites. Faith is that self-inflicted jump from the ledge. Just as your toes lick the space between the grass and the abyss, you tie on your own blindfold. Depending on the conviction of the faith, the knot in the blindfold may be a double, or the blindfold may be merely a screen. That leap of faith is always taken for something: religion - god, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, ram; another human being; a personal conviction; or even fate itself. most people are afraid to jump, others are unable to jump, and some people put one foot in front of the other off that cliff much too often or way too quickly. Faith is what surrounds your world. Fate is what happens to you when the world gets tired of waiting.
Just as we can bound blindly into faith, fate blinds us from seeing the whole plan until after it's all played out. Fate doesn't trust us to see the destination of our path because that would take the fun out of life. And I'm not talking about a birth-to-death path. I mean this to be applicable to anything that happens during one's existence. Life is more like a "choose your own adventure" novel. As if fate itself will show us three doors and then it's our choice which door we open. Fate, like a gameshow host, will adjust his tie with a nervous twitch and then wink as the door is opened and the shaded path is revealed. Faith in that fate is what makes us walk on, through the door. Fear is what stays our feat. Love is what makes our footsteps light.
We make these "door number 1 or door number 2" decisions everyday. I happen to hate making decisions. Or rather, I hate making decisions that directly affect other people. For instance, door #1 = restaurant A. door #2 = restaurant B. My response = I'll eat anything so it doesn't matter to me...someone else choose. If I were by myself in this decision, my door-choosing would be quick, easy, and done in external silence. These are the easy door-choosing decisions.
The decisions I really fear are the ones that affect the people I love. For instance, go to India and miss Chanel's wedding, or work for a firm that I'm miserable at in Spokane and go to Chanel's wedding. A less selfish person may not be sitting in a New Delhi office chair writing this blog right now. But I have faith that someday I can make it up to her and that she'll forgive me.
I had faith that I would love India. When I got the acceptance email, I instantly accepted. Easy decision. I chose this door, picked out a bright & sparkly blindfold, and boarded the plane to New Delhi. The path has been dirty but unblemished. Beautiful but littered. Just like India.
I've met a lot of people over here: the other interns whom some I now can count as close friends... who have led me to Israel, India, and France (inside joke). Christine and Lydia who have led me to Vaibhav, Varun, Mahima, Samir, Samar, and Kunal. I truly believe that I've met them all for a reason. There is one of them that I wish I had more time with. I know that I'll keep in touch with Iram, Sarah, Lisa, and Katie. It's faith and fate that got me here, to this place of love. Love for India, in India, and with India.

Speaking of love...
Vaibhav (whom we call V) and Varun rescued Katie, Lisa, and I last night from the power outage that left us sweating in our dark, hot flat. We were talking about a certain someone when Varun asked if I was in love. V answered for me. He said, "of course she's not in love with him. Remember what Christine said, they don't fall in love as fast as we (Indians) do." that got me thinking...why do we not fall in love as fast as they do in India? Is it because we're "smart" to get to know someone better before we leap, or is it fear that keeps our hearts at bay? Maybe the wisest answer is that it's both our head and our fear...in combo with past personal history. We're allowed to date more often and more causally in the states than in India making our past personal history with the game of love more freckled with landmines.
I'm lucky though. I still believe in a few things: (1) love at first sight, and (2) that there is someone (or more than one) out there for everyone. I have faith. But as my friend Veraya says, I'm eternal sunshine. Meaning that I'm always optimistic. Every situation has a bright side, you just have to be willing to feel around in the dark until you find it.

I have half a mind not to post this because it feels oddly personal and maybe a little bit of an ego-rant to think that anyone cares to read about what I think of these things. So if you did read it, thanks.

Well, I'm off the gym :) ciao